Being Comfortable in Your Own Skull
Isn’t always easy. Life has a way of cluttering up your mind, throwing things at you that you aren’t quite ready for, and setting obstacles in your path you can’t see until you’ve already tripped over them.
A few months back, I wrote about how I haven’t been operating at peak efficiency for a long time. Over the last couple of years, I’ve had to deal with a lot of real life things, some of them big and some of them small, at least to an external observer, but all of them somehow cumulative. There’s nothing to be gained at this point by going into details, but my stress level just kept going up and up and I didn’t understand why for a long time.
I found myself obsessing over small things, little tasks that absolutely must be done right now and that would help me ignore the world for hours or days. I’d obsess over whether or not new friends on Twitter were human or not or who to follow from mentions or shout outs that included me. I’d spend hours crafting a brilliant blog entry and then not be able to post it. I’d plot out the schedule for what I wanted to accomplish with my writing for the next five years and then delete it and start over. Sometimes I’d feel so uncommunicative that I’d drop off the face of everything for a week or two. Through it all, I’d smile and nod to the people around me, focus on what I needed to do at work or home, and keep on walking.
By summer last year, I felt like I was on edge all the time and things were piling up or building up or backing up in my head. By fall, I was keeping so much bottled up I was probably half way to a heart attack or an aneurism. Well, maybe not, but I knew something had to give, and soon, and up to that point I’d hidden things pretty well from pretty much everyone.
I figured out that for some reason I’d been holding onto all the problems and negatives of the past few years without regard to any of the good times. And there have been plenty of good times, but they’d been swallowed by all the things I couldn’t control
So in early December, I made the completely sane and rational decision to turn off the world. Twitter, Facebook, e-mail, anything remotely resembling news or current information, all gone. All on hold. I needed time to blow the cobwebs out of my brain and get rid of all the stresses in my life. Re-focus on what I’ve always said is the most important thing: my family.
If I’m home and awake, I belong to my family. Period. Those of you with children will laugh because you know that’s not even remotely as easy as it sounds. Laundry, dishes, chores, work. Everything gets in the way even when you try hard not to let it. That’s no reason to stop trying or trying to make life fun for all of them.
That’s been my focus for the past few months: family, fun, stress reduction and avoidance.
I feel better now, more human, though it’s taken a while, and I’m slowly switching things back on. Brief forays into Twitter & FB. Cleaning out my personal e-mail. Now reclaiming the blog. A little writing and a little polishing. I’m back, but at a slower, more measured pace because the single most important thing in my life is my family and I’m not interested in losing sight of that for even a moment.
On the agenda for tonight: guitar practice with one child, karate class with another, and trying to tear the third away from an apparently highly addictive video game.
That’s today. Tomorrow, I’ll start on the hard stuff. Slowly.